One of my goals for this month is to send my friend a good birthday present.
Hmm...let me think. He's outdoorsy and likes hiking. Maybe I should give him the book I gave Matt a few years ago.
What else? Is there something I could make for him that would be useful? What about handmade stationary with stamped envelopes?
Or what about a cooking class at the Whole Foods in his town? They have "Lunch Express" classes. For $18, you get a cooking class and a scrumptious lunch. That might be fun.
I went to the acupuncturist for the first time last week for a 30-minute introduction. I quickly realized: I am a mess. I am a stress fest.
The acupuncturist didn't even have to say anything to me; I was able to self-diagnose. Before I went in, I looked back over the length of my menstrual cycles for the past two years. I quickly realized: The more stress I have in my life, the longer my cycle is.
When I tried to explain my situation to the acupuncturist, I started crying. I was getting stressed about my stress.
Seeing the very tangible impact of stress on my body has inspired me to seriously reduce the stress in my life. I've instituted a nightly Relaxation Ritual, which seems to be helping.
I'm also not sure about whether or not I ovulate. He suggested that I pee on ovulation test strips every day to see if my LH levels rise. I'll also test my temperature every day (but I haven't been able to see a spike in the past).
Because my acupuncturist is so expensive ($150 for the first 1.5-hour visit and $85 for every subsequent visit), I'm going to take a stab at reducing my own stress levels through nutrition, exercise, yoga, nightly relaxation, a decrease in my commitments, and deep breathing. If that doesn't work, then I'll fork over some major bucks and try acupuncture.
Matt and I will be taking off for spring break soon. First we'll travel to Big Bend for a few days of camping, and then we'll head to Marfa, TX. At the end of the week, Matt will head to Austin for South by Southwest, and I'll be traveling to New York City for a little consulting.
My goal is to have all my work done before I leave, so I don't have a modicum of responsibility or stress. I'll also need to get ready for the trip.
What has to get done? Let's see:
Get books on CD for the many hours of driving ahead of us (from the library).
Get some real books to read (from the library).
Find a magnetic travel Scrabble game. These are impossible to find. I may need to borrow my friend's version again. Argh.
I talk to my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders about how each of us has multiple urges to do things that often conflict with each other. In an attempt to simplify the concept for 6, 7, and 8 year-olds, I try to talk about it in terms of one voice that tells us to make choices that bring us up and another voice that tells us to make choices that bring us down.
One of Matt's family members just died, and I almost listened to the voice that was advising me to bring myself down.
You see, I was really looking forward to this weekend. I've had a tremendously stressful week (and year, for that matter), and I was eager to run, walk through the forest, get ahead on my work, do yoga, read, cook good food, finish my chores--you know--get my act together.
As Matt got updates from his family about the situation, I kept asking, "Do you want me to go with you to the funeral?" He kept saying that neither he nor his family thought it was necessary for me to be there.
When I woke up Saturday morning, Matt said he had just booked his flight to Indiana. He needed to leave within the hour. Again, I tried to be a good partner by asking, "Should I go to support you and your family?" He kept insisting that it wasn't necessary.
I almost listened to him. I wanted to listen to him. I wanted to be off the hook. I wanted to make the argument that it's too complicated to find dog care for four days in an hour. I wanted to believe that it was too expensive to spend $1,000 on two last-minute plane tickets. I wanted to think that it was impossible to coordinate a substitute for my class for two days of missed instruction.
And then I listened to the voice that urges me to make choices aligned with what I value. I value family and being there for each other and dropping everything to show your love, to provide a shoulder, to hold a hand. Those things are way more important than a relaxing weekend.
These are the commitments we make to our partners and our family members and our friends. I am there for you. I am your person.
Our wedding vows come to mind:
Matt, I love you because you make me laugh out loud on a daily basis, like when you come up with alternate names for our dog, Hoss, such as Hoss-tage, Hoss of Pain, or Hoss-car Myer Weiner.
I love you because you challenge me to be a better person, like when you made me promise to tell the Penske truck people that we scraped the moving van.
I love you because we create adventures together, like Halloween scavenger hunts or road trips out West.
I love you because you care so much for other people that you inspire all of us to be more caring. You do things like put toothpaste on my toothbrush and leave it out for me, or come home on the worst day of winter with slippers and a Chia pet herb garden.
I love you because I smile every time I wake up to you and when I come home to you. We play together, brainstorm together, create together, read together. Your hand always feels comfortable in mine.
Matt, because I love you, I promise to treat you the way you want to be treated and with the respect you deserve. I promise to build trust with my words and actions. I will be your cheerleader, your nurse, your editor, your therapist, your teacher, your student, and your partner in adventure. I will deeply appreciate all of your positive qualities and not let the passage of time dull that appreciation. When life challenges us, I promise to focus on the resiliency of our love. And if I stumble and fail to live up to my promises, I will look you in the eyes, hold your hands, and apologize with sincerity. I will be my best for you.
Yes, I will be my best for you, Matt, even when I am instinctively selfish and self-centered. I will always try to be my best for you.
I love that our chickens just welcome themselves inside whenever the door is open. I shoo them out rather quickly, since they aren't wearing diapers and they are quite the little poop factories. But it makes me smile every time.
I've been trying my best to make a clearing for myself. I fill up my days with so many to-do items.
If I stop and ask myself why I'm such a doer, an answer starts to emerge. Why do I do, do, do? Well, it's because I want to achieve, achieve, achieve. And why do I want to achieve so much? Because I am seeking affirmation and validation from other people. Why do I seek so much external affirmation and validation? Well, that answer is a little more complicated.
First, my biological father didn't want to have anything to do with me when my mom found out she was pregnant. I'm pretty convinced that a blow like that can set one back in the mental health department. It's rejection at the deepest level. For all these years, I've been trying to prove to others and myself that I'm worthy of love.
Second, seeking external affirmation and validation from others is part of our country's Puritanical roots. We are only truly good if the community deems us good. It's built into the ethos of our country, and it feeds the consumerism machine. If we thrive on external affirmation and validation, then we are susceptible to advertising that tells us we need the newest, shiniest thing in order to be accepted.
So how does one go about shifting the balance from external to internal affirmation and validation? That's another slightly more complicated question.
Let me take a stab at generating some ideas:
We should surround ourselves with people who build us up rather than tear us down. I'm doing pretty well in this department (thank, Matt!), but I should do a better job of making sure I provide this for my friends.
We should analyze our actions through this lens. Every time I'm tempted to take on a new project, I should screen it. Am I truly doing this for myself or for someone else? Awareness is the first step.
I should practice daily self-affirmations. I've gotten into the habit of saying thank you for everything I'm grateful for as I fall asleep (and take my 25 deep, abominable breaths), but I should try directing compliments at myself. I should think back through my day and celebrate what I love about myself. In fact, I should try to do this throughout the day as things occur. I should say a lot of "I love you because..."
Hoss and I worked really hard last year to get him certified as a therapy dog, so he could officially visit schools, hospitals, nursing homes, etc.
The Delta Society has a neat program where they let you take the test first. If you pass it, you can then complete a home study kit and become certified. Hoss and I did spend time training before we took the test, but we didn't want to enroll in formal classes, and I didn't want to waste a lot of money or time on anything if he wasn't going to be able to pass the test.
The test was extremely difficult. It was a series of role-plays with multiple evaluators. For example, Hoss and I had to walk through a crowd of yelling, angry people. Then they intentionally dropped a metal bowl on the tin floor. Through it all, Hoss could display nothing more than "mild curiosity." We even had to pass by other dogs, approach a belligerent woman with a walker that she kept slamming on the ground, and pass by a hamburger toy with scented goodness.
It was so amazing to have him at school. The children were extremely excited to see him, and yet his presence made them much calmer and more grounded. He handled the excessive petting quite well!
